| Apr-2003: Sorry it's been so long. My life is a constant drama, and I tend to get caught up and forget about this journal. I should probably use it a lot more than I do . Anyway , I don't even know where I last left off with you , But I'll just fill you in on my life as it is today. Well , it's my birthday for starters. Happy birthday me. I'm such a loser .I spent today by myself for the most part , cleaning and packing . Leah ( www.burstmusic.net ) stopped by for a bit , which was good. It's been a long time since we really hung out , but I gotta tell ya , I've missed her. It feels good to have her back in my life. Most of you probably don't know the story behind that , and its better that way .But Lets suffice it to say that we have been friends for a very long time , and we do have our disagreements , but all in all when it comes down to it we will ALWAYS be there for each other. And I'm very happy about that. It seems like lately , I have been really rebuilding a lot of my friendships , and relationships with my family. It feels really good to know your true friends are there for you when you're down , no matter how angry they were ( or are ) at you .I have to say that I am very very content with the quality of people in my life right now. I have weeded out all of the bad .And I feel very very blessed. On a slightly sadder note, Stuart is gone. He left two days ago for NYC . Part of me really wishes he hadn't gone . But the bigger part says it HAD to happen. It's been a long journey for Stu and I . There has been a lot of hurt and betrayal ON BOTH PARTS , a lot of dishonesty , and I think that there's a lot of healing that has to be done. I have come to accept the fact that this just isn't working and it's not going to. Words and promises only go so far . It's actions that speak the loudest. We simply aren't in love anymore , and we haven't been for a long time. You can say you are still in love , but your actions have to show that as well. LOVE IS NOT PAINFUL. love shouldn't hurt , and it shouldn't take so much work. Love should make you warm and fuzzy all over . It should make your heart do flip-flops. Love should be fun. I think maybe for a while , we were just used to each other. It was easier to stay together than to breakup. But we weren't happy . We were DEFINITELY not happy . I don't know how to be in love with someone I only see every few months when I return from a long trip , exhausted , and cranky . There were a lot of factors for our unhappiness and it wouldn't be fair of me to list them here. It's nobody's fucking business.. But the bottom line was that we loved each other so we just kept trying . It saddens me deeply that I have lost my best friend and I know he is sad as well , but in the long run , I think we will ALWAYS be friends. This was not me leaving him , or him leaving me. I think it was just a mutual thing when two people realize it can never be the same. And now we are both headed in different directions. He has left for NY , and I am taking an extended leave of absence. Don't know where I am going or what I'm doing or when I'll be back , . But I'm packing up my car and leaving tomorrow , and I'm actually excited to see what life has to offer now. I have been alone before , and I can be okay alone. I've felt alone in rooms full of people. I can do this. And I know I am not alone. There are plenty of open arms , I've just never taken the time to see them. Life has been such a bunch of drama and confusion these days. I'm really out of balance right now , But I'm taking control ( Thanks Jude ! ) and I'm gonna come out on top , just like I always do. If it's one thing I have , is strength. I'm a very strong girl , and I can handle a lot . But this birthday , this break-up , this home life , is all pretty FUCKING DEPRESSING. And to make matters worse I have a broken foot and it's really painful , and I am supposed to work in less than a week. However , on the positive side , I do have a BIG BOTTLE of liquid codeine which should help me out a lot !!! :) My friend Carla had her baby a few days ago .Congrats carla and skylar !! I keep thinking about how badly I want a family and a home and some normalcy. And how I have restrained myself from pursuing that , because others weren't ready or willing. I have continuously sacrificed my career , or aspirations because they didn't fit into someone else's needs , or they weren't what somebody else thought was right for me or them. I'm not even sure why I stayed with someone who didn't share the same dreams as me .From now on I am not dating anyone that isn't marriage minded , committed to family , or financially secure. You cant see what's in your hands when you're still reaching for the stars , you know? Anyway ,You can tell a lot about a guy by his relationship with his mother . And just by trusting your instincts. I should have followed my gut long ago. Anyway , everyone wish my luck on my pursuit of happiness , and regaining control over my life , and respect for myself , and being in love again - WITH ME!! This is not the end , This is just the beginning I'm ready to take on the world !! xoxoxoxoxox KJ |
|
Feb-2003:
Hello ! It's me again. Looks like I left the East coast just in time!! Man I feel bad for all y'all out there freezin your asses off!!! I came back to L.A. on Sunday . But now , I gotta go back out to Philly on Sunday cuz I start work in Reading , PA on Monday night!! Then I'm off to NYC , Minneapolis , Seattle , Hartford , Miami , Orlando , Chicago , Boston and some other places. ( not necessarily in that order )!!! I'm really excited ! Cant wait to see all of you !!! |
|