Sorry it's been so long. My life is a constant drama, and I tend to get caught up and forget about this journal.  I should probably use it a lot more than I do .  Anyway , I don't even know where I last left off with you , But I'll just fill you in on my life as it is today. 

Well , it's my birthday for starters.  Happy birthday me. I'm such a loser .I spent today by myself for the most part , cleaning and packing . Leah ( www.burstmusic.net ) stopped by for a bit , which was good. It's been a long time since we really hung out , but I gotta tell ya , I've missed her.  It feels good to have her back in my life.  Most of you probably don't know the story behind that , and its better that way .But Lets suffice it to say that we have been friends for a very long time , and we do have our disagreements , but all in all when it comes down to it we will ALWAYS be there for each other. And I'm very happy about that. 

It seems like lately , I have been really rebuilding a lot of my friendships , and relationships with my family. It feels really good to know your true friends are there for you when you're down , no matter how angry they were ( or are ) at you .I have to say that I am very very content with the quality of people in my life right now. I have weeded out all of the bad .And I feel very very blessed. 

On a slightly sadder note, Stuart is gone. He left two days ago for NYC . Part of me really wishes he hadn't gone . But the bigger part says it HAD to happen. It's been a long journey for Stu and I . There has been a lot of hurt and betrayal ON BOTH PARTS , a lot of dishonesty , and I think that there's a lot of healing that has to be done. I have come to accept the fact that this just isn't working and it's not going to. Words and promises only go so far . It's actions that speak the loudest. We simply aren't in love anymore , and we haven't been for a long time. You can say you are still in love , but your actions have to show that as well. LOVE IS NOT PAINFUL. love shouldn't hurt , and it shouldn't take so much work. Love should make you warm and fuzzy all over . It should make your heart do flip-flops. Love should be fun. I think maybe for a while , we were just used to each other. It was easier to stay together than to breakup. But we weren't happy . We were DEFINITELY not happy . I don't know how to be in love with someone I only see every few months when I return from a long trip , exhausted , and cranky . There were a lot of factors for our unhappiness and it wouldn't be fair of me to list them here. It's nobody's fucking business.. But the bottom line was that we loved each other so we just kept trying . It saddens me deeply that I have lost my best friend and I know he is sad as well , but in the long run , I think we will ALWAYS be friends. This was not me leaving him , or him leaving me. I think it was just a mutual thing when two people realize it can never be the same. And now we are both headed in different directions. He has left for NY , and I am taking an extended leave of absence.  Don't know where I am going or what I'm doing or when I'll be back , . But I'm packing up my car and leaving tomorrow , and I'm actually excited to see what life has to offer now.  I have been alone before , and I can be okay alone. I've felt alone in rooms full of people. I can do this. And I know I am not alone. There are plenty of open arms , I've just never taken the time to see them. 

Life has been such a bunch of drama and confusion these days. I'm really out of balance right now , But I'm taking control ( Thanks Jude ! ) and I'm gonna come out on top , just like I always do. If it's one thing I have , is strength. I'm a very strong girl , and I can handle a lot . But this birthday , this break-up , this home life , is all pretty FUCKING DEPRESSING. 
And to make matters worse I have a broken foot and it's really painful , and I am supposed to work in less than a week. However , on the positive side , I do have a BIG BOTTLE of liquid codeine which should help me out a lot !!! :) 

My friend Carla had her baby a few days ago .Congrats carla and skylar !!  I keep thinking about how badly I want a family and a home and some normalcy. And how I have restrained myself from pursuing that , because others weren't ready or willing. I have continuously sacrificed my career , or aspirations because they didn't fit into someone else's needs , or they weren't what somebody else thought was right for me or them. I'm not even sure why I stayed with someone who didn't share the same dreams as me .From now on I am not dating anyone that isn't marriage minded , committed to family , or financially secure. You cant see what's in your hands when you're still reaching for the stars , you know?  Anyway ,You can tell a lot about a guy by his relationship with his mother . And just by trusting your instincts. I should have followed my gut long ago. 

Anyway , everyone wish my luck on my pursuit of happiness , and regaining control over my life , and respect for myself , and being in love again - WITH ME!! 

This is not the end , This is just the beginning 
I'm ready to take on the world !! 



Hello ! It's me again.  Looks like I left the East coast just in time!! Man I feel bad for all y'all out there freezin your asses off!!! I came back to L.A. on Sunday . But now , I gotta go back out to Philly on Sunday cuz I start work in Reading , PA on Monday night!! Then I'm off to NYC , Minneapolis , Seattle , Hartford , Miami , Orlando , Chicago , Boston and some other places. ( not necessarily in that order )!!! I'm really excited ! Cant wait to see all of you !!! 

Did anyone watch Joe Millionaire last night? I thought it was a great ending. Predictable, but great. 
I also watched the movie CLUE last night. Has there ever been a stupider movie?? 
Personally , I'm just getting geared up for my weekly dose of AMERICAN IDOL tonight .I am SOOOOOO happy with their choices so far. Kimbrly Caldwell was a bitch , I'm glad she's gone. I like Julia Damato much better .And Ruben Studdard , Man that guy can sing his fuckin ass off!! Great choices so far. I hope they don't let me down this week ! 
Also gonna watch that new Michael Jackson special on Thursday .I think the commercial pretty much says it all . That interviewer was such a two-faced lying piece of shit , and Michael was soooooo set up.  Mikey just needs to think before he speaks. 

xoxox -Kendra


As reported and posted on LukeFord.com


hello again everyone!!!!
sorry its been so long , but you know how hectic my life can be!!!!
I'm trying to remember where i left off so that i can fill you in on all the gossip since then!!!
ok lets start with May 1st and go from there. the first week of may I went to a club called TENS in Tucson
i had so bad of a time there that i will not even fill you in on the details.
then , i was scheduled to do a video and box cover shoot for legend , but ended up canceling because ....well.....just because....
the 10th-12th , i worked at deja vu in St. Louis.
i had a BLAST !!!! i hung out with alexa/wicked (former wicked girl), and we performed together...we took a bunch of pics from our duo show , which should be up soon.
let me just tell you for those of you who weren't there-it was HOT!!!!and because it went over so well , we may be doing a lot more duo shows. ill keep you posted!
NEXT , i went to a place in phoenix....where i had so much fun and got a new tattoo...its in a v shape on my stomach to hips. its cute.
i thought my agent was going to kill me , and he nearly did.
but i like it so its all good.
i was seeing someone, that i started seeing in April, but i don't know i guess the novelty has worn off ....i haven't really talked to him much in the past couple of weeks.
and plus, he called my friend , trying to hook up with her , ....
he told me about it , and was honest , but i still think that's kind of shady....the part that sucks is that i enjoyed his company a lot and now I'm on the road,
lonely and we don't even talk anymore...oh well. guess it wasn't meant to be!!!
next, i worked at spearmint rhino in Oxnard.. that was ok. i like dancing locally because then all my friends show up and its always a good time.
that same week....i decided to record a song with my friend who shall remain nameless by choice. we did a cover of a milli vanilli tune, which i am pretty proud of and will be putting on the site shortly for you all to hear.
we call ourselves dick and jane. this is a rock project separate from the cd I'm doing...i cant wait to hear your feedback.
so far , everyone who has heard it seems to dig it!!! I was considering playing it in the stern show but i am too insecure and i don't want him clowning my music so i am not going to.
speaking of stern , i will be on AGAIN on june 11th...Monday ...so be sure to listen!!! its going to be FUN.  probably the best show yet.....
and I'm on chaunce haydens show tomorrow am (June 6th) at 9 am at chaunce hayden
next i want to extend my warmest sincerest thank you to the guys from No Authority , to Starr , and to Tony.
You guys were so helpful to me, thanks for taking care of my little sisters and hookin them up. you are my best friends and I love you.
anyway on the 28th, i went to Boston to do some recording, chill with some friends and discuss business. let me just say i am considering moving there.
i had the best time of my whole life.  Went to an nsync show and brought my little sister, which , by the way , was amazing !!!!i don't know how they do it night after night but its unreal!!!
i was onstage during a new song of theirs called CELEBRITY. i took pictures from the stage that look unbelievable. the whole damn show was just fucking brilliant and to look out and see all those fans out there.
man NSYNC really inspires me. they are so cool and the best part is that they dont act it. i cant wait for the new cd to come out!!! Its going to be bad-ass!!!!!
by the way , thank you steven for a great time. i owe you .........
also, i chilled with o-town , recorded, and even took a drive by some NEW KIDS houses lol.i know that sounds silly but the devil made me do it, really.
i also met Rich from LFO, who I thought was very sweet and looked very cute in person.
man can i just say that Ashley Parker Angel from O-TOWN is the most beautiful man i think i have ever laid eyes on.??!!
HE JUST HAS THIS AURA ABOUT HIM, its hard to explain. but he almost glows. he is just amazingly beautiful, and his personality is equal to his looks!!
i think that every single guy in otown has different qualities about them that make them special and beautiful , but i think my biggest crush is on ashley. he was so stuck in my mind that i am writing and recording a song about him.
anyway , I'm sure you've heard enough of that.
so ill let it go now........
i encourage everyone i know to go buy the Craig David cd .i just did. its really good .i cant stop playing it.
lets see, what else???
i recorded part of a song that's called "going home with me"...it questions whether someone's coming home with Kendra jade -porn star , or Kendra - the person. its very good.
the thing i love about my upcoming cd is that its sooooooo personal.
im doing all the writing , and so much of it is sooooo real.  Every line of every song is straight from my heart and from my real life experiences.  I'm sooooo happy to be doing this project. I'm telling you ..its going to be amazing.
here's the track list so far :
1.strip club ( pretty self explanatory)
2.hate mail ( dedicated to all the haters out there!!!g)
3.going home with me ( I JUST EXPLAINED THIS ONE)
4.beautiful ( about what our society perceives as beautiful, and how easily we are judged only by looks , and about what the pressures of the entertainment industry can do to someone's self esteem)
5. ( superman)...I would've fucked you anyway -- about a guy that I didn't want to "fly away"
6.you have no idea---( about all these people who think they know so much about me or my intentions or everyone who has something to say about me)
7.ode to my father ( a song written for my father who is very sick with cancer)
8.if you could just love me--(written for someone that i really wanted to want me , and he didn't.)
9.everlasting - about a guy i was seeing , i wrote it on a day when he had not called me for a whole 24 hours. man 24 hours can seem like forever!!
10. the hit---basically about how people want to make you sing safe , commercial stuff , and how im choosing to do things my way.
11.i know you're going to say goodbye --- a song about being with someone who is always touring and being apart from the one you love for too long
12. on the bus--its about this crazy experience i had on a tour bus need i say more?
13.ashley parker angel song- self explanatory.
14.sick of it all--- about relationship with someone who is a DOG , and just wants to play me and use me.
15.angels- about my little sisters and how they were god sent.  Its true they are amazing people!!!
I think that's it as of now....that's all i remember anyway.
I'm sure if any of you read my poetry on the site, you know how deep i can be at times.  So I think this cd is going to be pretty different than people expect and different than anything out there now.
oh yeah!!! on another note, let me just say that my fellow porn star RAYLENE , let me hear some of the music she's recorded and its beautiful.
the first song she wrote for a certain guy and the song made me cry.
it was sooooooooo deep. I wish her all the best.
she is truly talented. and she deserves the success!!!!!!!!
ok so...onto other things....i just arrived in NYC last night and I'm here indefinitely...because of the stern show thing.
i went out shopping and chilled in times square for a while today.
that was fun. i might go stand outside TRL tomorrow for the hell of it!!! LOL.
i was soooooo excited though because I finally got to buy the CRAIG DAVID cd.
for those of you who don't know who Craig David is , you should find out immediately. he is amazing!!!!!!!!
he is from england ,and is huge there...but you cant get his cd here yet. but i found it in the import section of the virgin mega store today and i was sooooo psyched.
Craig David is the man!!!!!!!!!!!!!..i seriously had an orgasm to his voice the other day.
that's the honest to gods truth!!!!
anyway - June 14th, 15th and 16th , i will be in Springfield, IL. at deja vu with porn stars chloe and wicked contract girl Stephanie Swift.
if you're in that area , check us out!!!
June 18th-20th--in la , more than likely recording some more dick and jane stuff.
it wont be a cover tune though, its going to be original stuff., and i will put it on the site when its done.
June 21st-23rd i will be in Melbourne, fl (near Orlando) at a club called Bare Assetts.
I'm going to stop by Disney world and universal too...i cant wait!!!
I'm also considering moving to Florida since all my favorite people are there!!!
next stop is Hartford , ct.  June 25th-30th. i will be at gold club.
also ill be attending the Easthampton , Massachusetts fireworks display with my sisters since that's my hometown.
oh yeah guys metal-sludge is having another extravaganza.  Check out metal-sludge.com for more info.
this time it will be hosted by Josie Pearl and Ralph Saenz with a special performance by my homeboy Stevie Rachelle/tuff
Stevie Rachelle so it should be way cool!!!
i think that's pretty much it. I hope i didn't forget anything!!!!
much love, keep checking out my ONLY OFFICIAL SITE kendrajade.com